There's just a week left till my flight takes off for Victoria, and I think the word that I can most associate with, apart from the colourless 'sadness', is solastalgia:
For a start - the Singapore I knew at the start of the year, the one whom I'd never been away from for more than a month, has changed before my eyes. There are new buildings, and construction sites have given way to shiny new hotels or train stations. Old buildings have been torn down, cultural institutions like the Sungei Road Thieves Market have been closed, and slowly I find myself less familiar with these same streets that I thought I knew for my whole life. Traffic is redirected, lanes are closed. I can't remember many of the bus routes that I used to recall instantly. It's a strange feeling of sensing that something is changing, and I do feel it's for the worse.
At home, things seem to be in upheaval too. Moving back was an interesting experience: how does one go from almost absolute freedom to a more limited living experience? Once again, reconciling what I used to know with new knowledge was complicated: even more so when it applies to those you hold closest to you, your family. It was confusing to examine the new dynamics and relationships in the house. It struck me midway through the summer, that this was a pretty momentous occasion, my older sister Anya is leaving for university at the end of the summer, and I also realized she'll be turning 20 this year and really saying goodbye to her formal childhood. That was really hard on me, I think because I feel very pressured by what are probably societal constructs that dictate how our relationship as siblings will now be. I'll have to do a bit more thinking about 'growing up' and what that means to me, and whether my definition was given to me, or created by myself. I feel like it's the former, and I should strive to create a new definition. I have the funny idea that all of a sudden we'll only see each other at holidays, for a week or two, and sit through a few dramatic and tense family dinners. But I have to remind myself that life is hardly a movie, and this isn't going to play out how I picture it.
Alongside Anya leaving, I'm figuring out how I feel about leaving too. While I'm beyond excited to start my Pearson journey, I'm feeling a lot of regret about not being physically with my little sister to help her through high school and being a teenager, not spending time with my parents when I'm gone, and not getting to spend more time with my beloved Tita before she leaves in October. To be fair, I'm not entirely sure if she's actually leaving, but I'm acting as if she is so I won't feel more regret if she does depart. I think regret is an interesting thing to ponder on, I know that for me, it stems from a want to do as much as possible, I have to recognize that in most cases, I'm helpless to the outcome. All I can do is to use my time as best as possible, and show my love & affection for those around me as much as possible before I move across the world. So I suppose writing this has helped me to realize that.
I didn't mean to make this blog post a stream of consciousness - I'll definitely have to start editing down for clarity. But I also wanted to write that today I met up with Sha, my Singaporean co-year, for a coffee and a chance to get to know each other a little bit before getting to Pearson. She was so lovely, and I was really happy to see that the conversation flowed really quickly and easily between us. She seems imminently knowledgeable, and I'm so happy to be able to have a country mate whose kind and that I so far get along with! We talked about our shared fears, excitement, and about how we feel about Singapore - especially about the educational system.
I also found out that I'll be living in East House through an email from my house parents - Theron & Elizabeth Shaw, who are new houseparents this year - our newness is something we already have in common. I'm tremendously excited, even though I was sort of hoping for a renovated house! But, I'll be glad to be further away from the other houses, and with a great front lawn according to my mom!
I still haven't packed, but Anya was packing for university today and discovered vacuum packs from Daiso - which are ingenious and will save me a lot of space. I also decided to bring a razai from home because it can easily be vacuum packed, and I'll be glad to have something that reminds me so deeply of home to fall asleep in.
